


In This Quiet Place, I Can Give You All My Time

by AlexusOnFire



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23692774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexusOnFire/pseuds/AlexusOnFire
Summary: Mary Wardwell has struggled with depression for years, though she only knows them as "sad spells". Will she be able to open up to Lilith about her inner pain?Just toss canon out the window. TOSS IT.Romantic Marith, obvs.
Relationships: Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith & Original Mary Wardwell, Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith/Original Mary Wardwell, marith - Relationship
Comments: 13
Kudos: 45





	1. Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I personally HC the show to be somewhere in the 60’s, so Mary and those around her have essentially zero understanding/knowledge about depression and anxiety disorders, hence the lack of proper terminology and not being able to put a name/reason to the “sad spells” in this fic. Hope you enjoy!

Mary slowly opened her eyes, the room around her hazy and slightly fuzzy. A blue tinge hung over the room, indicating the sun had not quite risen yet. She groaned. 

She’d had a hard time sleeping that night, her mind racing with worries that held no foundation and fighting the weight that had been slowly settling in her chest throughout the day. After so many years she knew the signs. A “sad spell” was kicking in, laying itself over her like a weighted blanket that was both comforting and constricting. Turning to face the opposite wall, she snuggled deeper into the covers, hoping for at least another hour of rest.

She stared at the clock on the bedside table until her alarm sounded.

The hallways of Baxter High could be overwhelming on any given day, and even moreso when Mary felt as though she was not in charge of her own body. She frequently had to check herself, struggling to keep in the present moment and be able to focus on whatever task was at hand while simultaneously trying not to burst into tears. Unfortunately, there were some moments she couldn’t help it, the sensation of being “on the outside looking in” too strong to push through. It was a rather common side effect of her sad spells, and her least favorite… especially after what had happened last year. Ever since Lilith had paraded as Mary for nearly four months, Mary favoured bodily autonomy over almost everything else in her life.

Her lips tilted into a small smile. _Lilith_. Her judge, executioner, and savior, all wrapped up into one beautifully complicated witch. Lilith had been busy for the past few days in Hell, sorting out some “heavy business”, as Lilith called it ( _“Trust me Mary, you’re better off without details.”_ ) Though Mary didn’t particularly like when Lilith was gone for extended periods of time, she knew what she was getting into the day she kissed Lilith by the old oak tree. Mary sighed and drummed her fingers against the wood of her desk, the anxiety shaking her leg, making it bounce up and down at an uneven pace. Her poor bottom lip was nearly chewed raw at this point, all traces of the gloss she had hastily applied this morning gone. She knew she seemed off, the students eyeing her warily and some even snickering behind their hands. Mrs. Meeks had inquired about her earlier, asking if perhaps Mary needed the day off. She’d declined of course, insisting she’d just had a rough sleep and would be better by tomorrow (or at the very least, better at hiding it.)

She gave a jump at the _pop_ and the appearance of a figure before her, gripping the desk tightly to keep from falling out of her chair.

“Lilith! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” Mary chided, righting herself with a huff. Lilith chuckled, moving around the room to stand beside Mary. A soft flutter pulled Mary’s attention to the window, where a psychopomp perched itself on the sill. Ah, so LIlith was merely astro-projecting, not actually here. This made the weight inside Mary slightly heavier.

“Well I just wanted to check on my favorite girl and let her know I’d be home for dinner tonight. I mean, really home, in the flesh,” Lilith gave a small smile, tilting her head. Mary suddenly felt an overwhelming crush of sadness, a wave that hit her smack in the face from nowhere. She sat there for a moment, trying to process. Of course she wanted Lilith home, she wanted Lilith with her always; but Mary needed Lilith _right now_ , and hadn’t the faintest idea how to vocalise that. She always tried her best not to be too needy, worrying about taking up too much of Lilith’s time and energy. Though Lilith had insisted time and time again that that wasn’t the case, it never quite stuck in Mary’s brain.

“Mary? Are you alright?” Lilith asked, her voice cutting through Mary’s thoughts. She looked up meet Lilith’s gaze, concern etched on the witch’s face. Mary merely smiled, shaking her head as she attempted to push away the crushing sadness.

“Sorry darling. I didn’t sleep well last night. It’s good to see you,” came Mary’s soft reply. Her voice was even for the most part, but the quick shift of her attention back to her paperwork was a dead giveaway to Lilith. She had learned over the course of their relationship that when Mary was bothered, she was quiet and cold, pulling away from those around her so as to self-isolate. This of course was merely a cover, as Mary secretly craved affection, especially when she wasn’t feeling well mentally or physically. Lilith shifted slightly closer, wishing she were able to hold Mary in some way.

“You don’t look well. Are you ill?” Lilith asked.

“No, I’m fine. Just tired is all,” Mary responded, still refusing to look up at Lilith. Lilith gave a deep sigh and rolled her eyes a little, frustrated that Mary wasn’t being honest with her. She noticed another psychopomp plop down on the windowsill, felt the urgency of limited time.

“Mary Wardwell, don’t lie to me. I could tell something was off the moment I saw you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

It wasn’t harsh exactly, and definitely not a tone that Mary hadn’t become used to hearing. Today however, it sounded like a downright scold, a knife to the gut that had been twisted painfully. Mary thought back to when her sad spells started, somewhere in her mid twenties. Her Mother had passed away, and with no other family to speak of Mary had fallen into what she assumed was a deep and excruciatingly long mourning period. When the second sad spell hit her she thought to confide in a friend of hers at the teaching college she attended, doing what she could to explain the heavy pain and the weird sensations of her body and mind. Unfortunately, this is where Mary would learn that not all friends are true friends, as only a few weeks later the girl had gossiped about how “strange” Mary was, and a rumor spread that Mary had either been possessed or was simply crazy. A short while after that the nickname “Scary Mary” gained traction, and Mary thanked the heavens above when graduation day finally hit, packing all of her belongings into her little car and never once looking back.

No. She couldn’t let that happen again, not with Lilith. What if Lilith thought it was odd as well? What if… what if she thought Mary was crazy? What if she left Mary like all the others had? No. No, no, no. Without really meaning to, she instinctively resorted to her most effective defense tactic. Anger.

“You don’t always have to be right Lilith. Despite you having snatched it away, I think I know my body better than you do.” Mary flatlined, the scathe in her voice evident. Lilith’s eyebrows shot up, a soft thrumming in her ears as the third and final psychopomp landed.

“Right then. I’ll see you at home.” LIlith said quietly. Though she knew deep down Mary didn’t mean the words she had spat, it still hurt a tad. With a soft _pop_ it was as though Lilith had never been there, and the reality of what Mary had just said to her sunk in. She got up, locked the office door and slumped to the floor.


	2. Comfort

After a dreadful afternoon spent on the verge of tears and Mrs. Meeks yet again insisting she go home, Mary finally pulled in front of the cottage. As she approached the front door she felt her stomach clench, wondering if Lilith had actually come home after Mary snapped at her. She took a deep breath and creaked the door open, trying to be as quiet as possible. This was clearly in vain, as Lilith could always sense when someone was near, especially Mary. She appeared in the kitchen doorway, her arms crossed as she leaned against the frame. Mary immediately felt sheepish, the wave threatening to crash down on her again.

“I’ve run a bath for you,” Lilith said, nodding her head towards the hallway and turning back to the kitchen. Mary shuffled into the large master bath, shocked to see lit candles and daisy heads floating in the water. Tears cascaded down Mary’s cheeks at the sight. She shed her clothes and slipped in the bath, taking one of the daisies in her hands and holding it carefully. She had once asked Lilith what her favorite flower was, half expecting a scoff and a reprimand for asking such a silly question. Instead, Lilith had (somewhat nonchalantly) responded with daisies; when Mary asked why, the answer very nearly melted her.

_“Because they remind me of you.”_

Mary sobbed, clutching the flower to her chest. She heard the tell-tale sound of Lilith’s heels click into the bathroom, and was surprised when Lilith pulled a stool behind her, reaching out to pull Mary back slightly. She undid the elastic and pins, softly running her fingers through tangled strands before picking up a small plastic cup and filling it with water, wetting Mary’s hair. She said nothing, simply lathering the shampoo in as Mary cried, letting out all the pent up emotion from the day. When Lilith finished with her hair she picked up a loofah and plopped some body wash on it, soaking it a little before gently running it over Mary’s shoulders and back, giving her a small massage as she did so. Once Mary was clean and slightly more stable, Lilith helped her stand, holding out one of Mary’s ridiculously fluffy towels so as to pat her dry. With a wave of her wrist Mary’s hair was dried, and the nightgown gave a soft _swoosh_ as it fell over Mary's curves. Mary clung to Lilith like a small child as Lilith led them to the bedroom, a small pot of tea on the bedside, thick covers pulled back. Mary crawled in, noticing that a small amount of weight had been lifted from her chest as she pulled her legs into her, feeling the bed dip from Lilith's weight beside her. Normally she was quite alone in her sad spells, desperately trying to push them down as one might try and push a floating ball under water; having someone around whom she could merely hold said ball instead of trying to make it disappear was… nice.

"Here. Drink. It'll keep your throat from getting raw." Lilith said, her voice still rather monotonous. Mary took the cup, grimacing at how shaky her hold was. As she brought it to her lips she felt the slight pressure of Lilith's steadying hand and tears threatened her eyes again. After a few sips she placed the cup down and Lilith gestured for her to lie down. When she did Lilith lay beside her, first wrapping Mary tight into her, then wrapping them under the covers, practically covering Mary completely. Mary let out a small sigh, a little more of the weight relieved as she felt the warmth of Lilith envelope her. After a few moments she managed to match her breathing to Lilith's, her heartbeat finally slowing and the tension leaving her limbs. She felt heavy, exhausted, and so very, very sad. As a few more tears slipped down her cheeks she mumbled into Lilith's chest.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know," came Lilith's soft reply, giving a gentle squeeze to reassure. Admittedly, Mary's earlier words had stung, and Lilith had hesitated on whether or not she should return home; but something was wrong with Mary, there had to be for such unkind words to slip so easily from her.

"Would you… do you want to talk about it?"

Mary pondered for a moment, unpleasant memories flashing in her mind. She closed her eyes, trying to shut them out and instead focus her attention on Lilith's heat, her scent. Unsurprisingly, Mary found it was easier to banish the bad thoughts with Lilith so close, as she had discovered earlier on in their relationship with her nightmares. Lilith remained still, not wanting to push or frighten Mary, who was quiet for so long Lilith thought perhaps she had fallen asleep.

"I'm… I'm sad," Mary finally said, fresh tears tracking down her face and consequently on Lilith's chest. Lilith waited, knowing there was more to it. She had seen Mary sad many times, like when a student would open up to her about having a hard time, or when she had accidentally hit a small family of ducks on the way home late one evening. This, this... harshness, this deep rooted pain seeping out from Mary, was something else entirely.

"What made you sad?" Lilith asked quietly.

"I… I don't know. I mean I… I don't think I do? It hits me, in waves and out of nowhere. It's… _crushing_ and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I try to find a reason, something that's set me off in some way but I… I never seem to be able to..." Mary shuddered, her breathing shaky once more as she curled somehow even further into Lilith, finding that now that she had started talking she couldn't stop, "And sometimes I feel like… like I'm outside my body, w-watching myself move and speak, and I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I can hear what people are saying, I can see it, but I can't seem to retain any of the information and…it's not the same as being sad, really. It's… _different_. I call them 'sad spells', to differentiate, but I just... don't understand it. I don't understand _them_."

The admission, in all of its entirety, made Lilith ache. One of Mary's greatest fears was a lack of knowledge, of not being able to comprehend the world around her. It was the reason she was always buried in books, in journals and sketches and history. Lilith knew that not being able to explain something going on inside herself would be frustrating, even downright frightening to Mary. She pondered for a moment on how to respond, still not quite fully understanding Mary's pain but also not wishing to dismiss it.

"Is there… anything that gets rid of the sad spells?" Lilith asked, willing to do whatever it took to take Mary's pain away. Mary chewed her bottom lip, cringing as she felt the sting of pierced skin.

"Well not… not really no. I mean, don't get me wrong, the bath and tea were lovely, and having you here it, well, it certainly _helps_. I feel… less lonely. Comforted, in a way. The sadness is… still there though, and it's nothing against you I swear…"

Lilith shushed her with a kiss to the hairline, stroking her fingers along her spine. If her being with Mary lessened any amount of pain, then with Mary she would stay, and she silently vowed not to leave her alone again until this “sad spell” had passed.

“It’s alright Mary. Whatever this is, whatever you’re feeling, we’ll sort through it together,” Lilith said.

“Do… do you promise?” Mary asked, lifting her head to meet the other woman’s gaze. Lilith hesitated. Promises didn’t really mean much as she often found ones made to her ended up being empty; but looking down at Mary, her eyes red rimmed and slightly puffy, the sadness in them almost dissipated with a sheen of hope, she felt something stir in her and she knew she’d never be able to deny Mary. Not now. Not ever.

“I promise,” Lilith said, and a small smile graced Mary’s face. Lilith gently pressed her lips to Mary’s, sealing the promise with a kiss before waving her hand to turn down the lights. 

Mary closed her eyes and settled in to Lilith. True, she was still stuck in a rather dreary shadow of melancholy, but she didn’t have to face it alone anymore, and Mary was surprised to find just how much that seemed to help. She was no longer completely dreading the days ahead of her, sure of Lilith’s promise and love. As sleep overcame her limbs she lazily pressed a kiss to Lilith’s chest, taking in the comfort of her lover just a little bit more.

“Thank you,” Mary whispered. Finally, after such a long and strenuous day, her weary mind grew silent, and she permitted herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to Jyou_no_Sonoko, who used her literary genius to help sort out the ending. Please go check out her works!
> 
> Also, I really wanted to avoid the stereotype of "love fixes everything", because in reality, it doesn't... but it sure makes coping with the pain easier. I hope that came through in this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look, another song lyric as a title! This one is from Sunkissed by Khai Dreams 🐰


End file.
